060 The Next Food Network Star

Ah yes, I did happen to watch the premiere of The Next Food Network Star last night and as i expected, it was great. However, I didn't really agree with their choices of finalists. Some of those semi-finalists were pretty entertaining. Did you see that egg spinning trick? We're still in the "getting to know you" stage of the competition, but i've already chosen some favorites and some that will surely be eliminated soon. I know I shouldn't even get into it... i mean, i have 200 other things i should be doing... but oh well... sit back, relax... this may take awhile.

BROOK, you androgenously named pepper mill twirler, we hardly knew ye. Although your taped submission had a few laughs (nice use of The Clapper) and a lot of fire, you didn't impress me half as much as the egg spinner. Wow. He spun the egg on a spatula, flipped it into the air and then cracked it into a skillet on the edge of the utensil! Bring that guy back... You know what, Brook? You were the first one eliminated and you really didn't deserve it one bit, even with your misguided salmonella remarks. You know who really deserved elimination?

HARMONY. That's right, Harmony, you will not be the next food network star. I'm sure you're an absolute blast at Trader Todd's Karaoke night, but when the camera's rolling, I just couldn't be more bored and uninterested. If you win, i'm just going to have to switch to the Lifetime network. Seriously, though, i think the blogging community is unfairly ignoring the important works of Meredith Baxter Birney. But i digress. You really messed up that egg dish, even worse than our next contender. You had poor Gordon Elliot burying his head in his hands. Maybe Bobby Flay was fooled by your charm, but not me. Any Good Eats watcher would have went for the ziploc bad when the piping bag clogged! That's nothing special! You survived this round... barely.

Now, DEBORAH was one of those finalists whose tape wasn't nearly as good as the semi-finalist she was up against, but she got by the judges with her "stay cute in the kitchen" line and that winning smile. She completely botched the omelette. I mean, seriously, even I can make a swell omelette. I think this episode will come to haunt her in the end. Like the egg she was trying so desperately to cook, she cracked under the camera's pressure. However... she had a really great reaction to the lights going out and Bobby Flay seemed to notice her on-camera charisma once her nerves subsided, so she's not out of the running yet, but she's definitely near the bottom of the pack.

DAN & STEVE are a gay couple and if you missed it the first time, they were sure to remind us over and over. As can be seen by their egg demo, their off-the-cuff skewer remarks, and their seamless teamwork, they are truly a force to be reckoned with in this competition. I'm not sure if it's exactly fair that the next food network star might actually be starS, but i'm sure the judges will take this into consideration. Personally, I'd like it if they won. They know their food inside out and out and they're from Chicago! And plus, i don't believe we've ever seen a "couples" cooking show, gay or otherwise. I think it's an untapped well of ratings. But what if they break up? Anyway, in terms of adorable, they have one main rival...

His name is ERIC. You just want to hug him. He even prepared that little Bobby Flay shout out which was nice. Sort of suck-uppy, but whatever. This network is the geographical center of cheese, so he'll fit right in. Unless he screws up royally, he's on his way to the finals. Did you see the judges just salivating over the guy? His one flaw is that zombie-like stare that he gets when he's trying to keep up with the teleprompter. Or when he's trying to frost a cake with a potato peeler.

I get the feeling that SUSANNAH will be painted as the enemy. Every reality show needs one and here she is. She was the only person who even mentioned the words "competition" and "wanting this job" in her interviews. She's going to be problematic. As for her skills, she's got em. She seems in control, in charge, and sunny... but with threatening rainclouds to come. If she is indeed painted as the antagonist, her chances for winning dwindle away. I mean, Rachael Ray may be the meanest person on the planet, but none of us know that for sure, so people watch her shows. Who will watch Susannah's Aggressive Kitchen? Who will watch Backstabbing With Susannah? Who will watch Evil Susannah's Grillin With Contempt? No one.

MICHAEL. Anyone who dares to do a tofu dish in their audition tape deserves an ovation. From me. Bravo, you've earned it. I think Michael is going far in this competition, simply because people want to see him. I believe the next contender is a little better, but if the end result is determined solely by the viewers votes, crazy haired tofu spanker, Mike, may just take it home. His flaw is reading off of the teleprompter. When he wasn't allowed to ad-lib and dance around, he was flat as a fritatta.

And lastly, HANS. The hands down winner in terms of food knowledge and style. That egg crepe strip soup was impressive, and even though he seems to be constantly interjecting tales of his childhood and such, the judges want more of "him" and "his personality." Personally, i think I got enough, but I guess not. I think we'd be shocked to know what Bobby Flay is like in the real world, yet he wants more of Hans to show through. Hans won one viewer vote, but if he wants to ultimately defeat Michael, he better start dancing.

And so we wait until next week. We know that Susannah will go awry with the knife and require a tetanus shot. And speaking of cuts, goodnight Harmony. That's my prediction.

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And now, a little feature that I hope to move to Sunday next week: The Top 10 followup, where we check in on my Tuesday picks and see how they fared with the merciless buying public. How did the records debut on Billboard? Let's see...

10 Gorillaz - Demon Days (#6)
08 Common - Be (#2, #1 on rap chart)
04 Stephen Malkmus - Face the Truth (#7 on indie chart)
03 Alkaline Trio - Crimson (#25)
01 At The Drive In - Anthology: This Station is Non-Operational

(#95, #3 on indie chart)

Common wins.

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And lastly, I promised an Aphex Twin story... My cousin and I were chatting about how electronic music translates so poorly in a live setting. I mean, who really wants to see a bunch of guys onstage checking their email, right? He then told me about the time he saw Aphex Twin at the Metro. Apparently, in front of a packed house, Richard James came out on stage, put his CD into a player and then just sat on a couch for the whole set. The reaction was not pleasant.