014 I Cook a Choke, No Joke

...till ya heart is broken.

Thank heavens it's artichoke season. It's about that time when Castroville, CA explodes with lush flavor and the delicious ash settles all across this great land in bushels of fun at your local produce hut. Now... say "delicious ash" five times fast... I learned how to cook an artichoke about 3 years ago, and ever since then i've been refining and making the recipe my very own. I fear i may start salivating all over the keyboard if i say anymore, but i just have to. Ok, here's what you do... At the supermarket, look for chokes that are in the blooming stage, open a little but not too much... and also not completely closed. I believe this is when they are most scrumptious. Also, stay away from ones that are rubbery in texture. You want a nice crisp one with leaves that will snap if you try and bend em back. Get em home. Ooh and one more thing, just like an uncut guitar string, they can poke you pretty good. Good food does not come painlessly. Handle with care.



While amusing a cat with whimsical dancing and baby talk, remove the small wussy leaves from the stem and the first layer of small leaves with your hands. In the meantime, get the biggest fucking pot you have, fill it about halfway up with water and throw it on high heat. It will take awhile to start boiling, so you'll have time to prepare the wicked thistle. Now... say "wicked thistle" five times fast...



After threatening a cat with the sharpest, longest knife you can find (careful! see paragraph 8), cut into the choke, completely removing the top third. Discard the nasty thorny top leaves and marvel at the actual "choke" inside.




It should be a light purply color. If it is, you sure know how to pick your produce. Then, turn mr. artie choke around and cut about a half inch off of the stem, discard the end, and then cut the stem off at the base. So you should have a nice flowery blooming looking vegetable that sits flat on the board and its cut off stem... Repeat as necessary... and then wash wash wash it all well.



Throw the artichokes and the stems into the pot, which should be well on its way to boiling. Then cut a lemon in half. Squeeze the lemon over the chokes in the water. Catch the seeds. What a great action shot, huh? It's realistic to the point of being sorta disgusting. Enough! Then you drop the lemons into the pot. Then comes the tricky part. In order for the artichokes to cook evenly and correctly they need to be completely submerged. Problem is, they float. So what I do is I take a lid from a slightly smaller pan, turn it upside down and put it on top of the artichokes. That's right. A lid, too small, upside down, floating in boiling water. Weird, but it works. When you notice the water has started to boil. Add some salt to it. And now we play the waiting game.

I'm going to stop here and continue with the cooking fun tomorrow. There's so much blog already and i haven't even gotten to the canine molestation threats.

There once was a band from Kalamazoo.
Their name was Broken Hearts Are Blue.
Their song "Oh Natasha"
Was hot like kielbasa.
I wish they got big like U2.

I want to beat myself up for that horrible limerick. But I do wish that more than 100 people knew about them because then I could make a funny joke song about a warrant for Natasha Lyonne's arrest for threatening to sexually molest a dog. I just don't know what to say about this other than it is ridiculous on both sides of the issue. And i highly doubt that in the mad rage that caused Ms. Lyonne to rip down a mirror, she would calmly recite the words, "I'm going to sexually molest your dog," as the article states. We all know she has a more colorful vocabulary.

Thanks to everybody for their Playstation 2 recommendations. I'm still trying to track down Alien Hominid, but Ratchet and Clank is next on my list. Like i said, you just can't go wrong with " a small robot sidekick that you wear as a backpack." And there is still a part of me that wishes they had a serious of Playstation games specifially made for "adults" that weren't, you know, "adult themed." Like Monk, for instance. A Monk game would be great. There could be a germ-o-meter, where Adrian can only take so much before he has to wash... and in the meantime, solve murder cases... or of course, a game based on my favorite Food Network show, Iron Chef. How great would that be? I need to design this. Press X to deepfry the theme ingredient. Press R2 to reveal ingredients to Ohta. Press L1 to hurl foie gras at the chairman.

Bye.